On Thursday, I received news that was so unsettling, I could not talk about it. I felt so helpless and guilty for not having a magical solution. I am a praying woman, so I prayed, but my fears superceded the power of my prayers.
That evening, I had a meeting at church, where we read the text: “But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today... The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”” Exodus 14:13-14 New Living Translation of the Bible.
I was floored. This was the message I needed to hear, because my family had been attacked and the effects of that murderous blow, which wrenched my father from our lives, continue with no end in sight. We are all exhausted from fighting off consequences of crimes for which we are the victim. I was encouraged to think that the Lord would fight for me - that I could stay calm and rest in that assurance. He was bigger than our bad news, and I did not need to worry. I just had to seek His wisdom in this situation and roll on.
Here is the problem: I have a great difficulty in just staying calm, in waiting for God to move. My faith took a hit on June 7, 2014, and it has not been the same. It is not shattered, but it is fragile.
While practicing hot yoga, my mind started racing about the bad news. It took great effort to bring myself into my breath - into the here and now. At one point, I actually whispered to myself, "just stay f-ing calm." That was an indicator, that I was really having a hard time. I rarely use profanity.
Friday, was a day of physical self-care. It included, 2 yoga classes, halotherapy (salt therapy), a long massage, and a tea festival. At some point during each of these activities, I felt the anxiety mount while thinking about what was, seemingly, out of my control. I am the eldest daughter in a Haitian family. Traditionally, I am supposed to be the fixer. I am not the fixer. Apparently, I have difficulty letting go of imaginary fixing capabilities that I do not even believe I have!
My masseuse marveled at my tension. She would work on an area and then I would have un-calm thoughts and become tense again. She worked on me for almost 2 hours!
If you were looking at me and my behavior, I would have seemed quite zen-like and it would not have been a forced act, but rather well-practiced compartmentalization, allowing me to wholly focus on the tasks at hand. Internally, I was a hot mess of stress. I was and am longing for peace, clarity, and a solution to my family's difficulties. So, I have continued to meditate on these Bible texts while trying to stay calm, trusting that we will be well. Despite my struggles with this, I am not giving into fear. I am pushing into it.
Some pics from my day of self-care:
In the mug:
2008 Jingmai Pu Erh from Saratoga Tea & Honey mixed with spices and cacao
Kashmiri Chai/Green Chai from David's Tea blended with the Pu Erh above
Here, I share new discoveries and thoughts about things I love. Ride along with me. Comments are welcomed and appreciated.
Tea Houses I Love